Our Esteemed Goat Gurus

We have three goats. Originally I'd wanted a horse. The goats were a compromise. You can't just get one adorable baby goat- it would be too lonely. So you have to get two. The people we bought the kids from threw in that third one for free. That should have been an omen.

If you've ever spent any quality time with a goat you know what the word capricious means. They're great at climbing out of their fences. They are strong as hell- many a trip to the chiropractor has been due to goat wrangling.

Goat wrangling: now there's a zen concept if ever there was one. We debate the merits of" carrot"or "stick" in philosophical terms. There are times when goats respond well to a "carrot" which can take the form of an actual carrot or more often than not a horse biscuit. There are other times where the "stick" becomes an essential goat wrangling tool. Usually the "stick" is a green branch that we use to make whipping sounds behind the goats to get them moving.

A disobedient goat can make even the most calm person into a raging lunatic. They hold a special power to take you the brink of your temper. You grit your teeth so hard you think they're going to crack. You use expletives you promised yourself you would not use in front of your daughter. You walk gingerly on a tightrope between the poles of "carrot" and "stick." The irony is they're the master sitting calmly teaching you to see your anger as another passing phenomenon. They're the master who whacks you over the head with a stick to remind you to stop being in such a rush and so concerned with getting your own way. Chasing a goat around reminds you of the absurdity of life. If you can get into the right mindset while goat wrangling it's actually funny. It's the getting there that's hard.

One of the most relaxing things in the world is to watch a goat graze. Goats are "browsers" (closely related to antelope). They like to taste a little of this- then a little of that- then a little more of something else. When we first got the goats we were so spellbound by their grazing that we got down on the ground and tried to graze a little just to see what it's like. The goats make these little purring sounds when they're really satisfied with the plants they're eating. Watching a goat graze is like watching an aquarium. Sometimes if I can't sleep I think of goats grazing- much better than counting jumping sheep.

Seeing the world through a goat's eyes gives another perspective. We've trained the goats to hike with us like dogs. We traverse mountains and valleys. The goats wade into the river to graze upon the tender island grasses that grow in the shallows. They wear bells so we can find them if they're lost. We call them by saying "Dip! Dip! Dip! Dip! Dip!"
We've tried to give our goats away before, but each time we put the call out for a new family for them we always chicken out and take back the offer. The thing is, we don't really want to get rid of them despite our complaining about them. No one wants them anyway. We've realized that we'd be getting rid of our teachers, our goat gurus, and that just seems inherently wrong. And foolish.