Remember a few weeks ago when I posted about our Happiness Party we had at school? How great it all was? How we taught Dew Drop about choosing to be happy? How we made smiley face cupcakes to share with all of Dew Drop's friends in her class? How we were celebrating Dew Drop learning to be happy at school?
I was wrong. We were wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. The nightmare continues.
This whole school thing has been a nightmare. Dew Drop still cries uncontrollably at every drop off. Dew Drop had really bonded with one of her teachers- adoption folks will understand what I mean when I say that she triangulated/strangulated onto this teacher. It was a false sense of security though- the teacher could scoop her up anytime a problem arose or anytime Dew Drop felt scared. We didn't *love* that Dew Drop was triangulating/strangulating onto this teacher, but there wasn't much we could do about it. Last week this favorite teacher was let go. She's gone. Vanished. Poof!
That puts us into an interesting position to say the least. A lot of the ground we've made almost 3 months into this was lost. But that's not the only problem.
The classroom itself is chaos. The school practices a very 'enlightened' philosophy. Children who hit, kick, push or bite are not given time outs. They are gently coaxed into compliance. At least in theory. In reality they are screamed at and they don't listen to being screamed at. It's a pro-wrestling cage match in there. A freaking mosh pit. Dew Drop doesn't do well in crazy environments- on so many levels.
There are some adoption related issues going on with Dew Drop for sure, too. Text book adoption issues that leave us debating the merits of just pulling her out of school and nuzzling back into our comfy nest again for a while until she feels more secure about being independent.
But Dew Drop has made friends. And the school itself is a really nice school. And we still want preschool to be positive. We don't want to put our tail between our legs and slink off. We quit preschool last year- who wants to be a two time preschool quitter?
It's really flabbergasting how stressful it has become around here. I can't tell you how many late nights we've stayed up pontificating about all of this. Should we stay or should we go? Fight or flight? How does this all equate into our future family plans? Does this mean we're definitely home schooling for kindergarten? You see how far all of this goes? How deep? What a quagmire? Yup.
It just sucks basically. I think we're just going to quit.
11 comments:
Oh gosh- this totally Sucks. I soo remember. And of the 20 months so far/ those first 2 transitioning to school was the WORST. (and I was the worst parent, cause I had no idea what was going on) Big hugs and hope for you.
Do what you have to do- not to 'get by'- but to make it right for her and you guys. Lots of expectation, repeating of positive language (that you can tell the teachers so they may also use it) Eventually we needed to put in some very clear boundaries about physical contact between him/teachers/adults, him attempting to lead the class and not allowing him to just ignore instructions (all institutnl behaviors he'd learned as a toddl'r)The yelling- is a total flight/fight trigger and my guy did NOT do well with it when a different teacher was there earlier in the year. Not even yelling at him- just in general across play ground. If you think the school can not/ will not assist you/comply- ditch 'em. You've got that too. Sometimes-- teachers are like therapists- you just gotta find the right one then- shazam!
FYI: Not insinuating that your girlio has similar issues or similar help scenarios- just trying to give you a pat on the back to empower you to do what you need to do, by showing how extreme it can sound but, in the end is best for our wee ones. I really hope you can find what she needs to soothe all your hearts. Peace and good luck.
Another piece of spaghetti to whip against the wall to see if it sticks:
How about keeping her home until she's 5, then send her to a regular/ structured kindergarden class.
ps - our therapist guy thinks kids learn plenty just hanging out with mom and dad until 5yr kindergarden and that for many adopted kids (one of mine included) school before 4/5 is just too much.
the teachers yell? they yell? What kind of preschool teachers yell? And what kind of school has a teacher that just goes 'poof' without any way to prepare children for that? I'm perplexed. I'd regress too. I'd probably poop my pants! (potty language tonight, I had to clean up a huge mess at arrival home after long day and while I was unloading car of paraphanelia, I guess I missed the call for help...yeah, so chaos is part of this age...but but but). I'm a little concerned about some of the suff going on. We've had hard transitions too (Blueberry has really stretched -but just enough, and under very warm and kind care) - - but we don't have yelling and we don't have chaos (he'd DESPISE that) and we don't have art reports on the wall and on and on. Are you sure this is the right school - is the philosopy the espouse really working? I just have to ask. Because something just doesn't sound right, and I'm not talkin' about DD.
Brutal...I can only imagine how both your "mind and heart space" must be preoccupied with all of this.
I just have to tell you how much I love knowing a parent like you who is so aware of all aspects of what you are facing and how deep it goes. It is parenthood and I think one of our greatest challenges is really knowing what is right for your child.
Of course, I am not sure of the answer. But I can tell you that not all preschools are equal. It may be worth looking at other options in your area. My son's preschool is a wonderful environment, but there are limits and boundaries with behavior. He loves his sticker chart, which he gives himself a sticker at the beginning of the day and only has to remove it if there is a problem with behavior. In fact he lost a sticker last week and that made an impact. Just saying it is important to think about structure and order in the classroom, kids respond well to it...and some need it more than others. That was the only thought that came to mind for me. Maybe DewDrop needs more structure to feel more secure.
Just sharing....but mostly sending you a big Mommy hug.
Yep, look at other options. There's got to be a better one out there. One where they DON'T YELL. (WTF?) Our is nice and structured which Ariam loves. She repeats the rules to me at home and tells me "we don't push friends. Push friends and you get time out." Seems like a very reasonable rule to me!
Hmmm. Brings back memories of Jack in preschool. It was horrible for a while, but then it got better. For us, what made the difference was learning his triggers and then finding a place that was right for him. The preschool she's going to might be great...but it might not be great for her. I don't know if you have other options, but I wonder if a smaller school that has a different philosophy might work better for her. I dunno. But I'm sorry it's so hard. So sorry.
Gosh Mindy! All of these comments are right on track with our conversation about this. Great advice from great people! It makes sense: You have a structured life for DD. Going to a preschool that has no structure or a structure that is "enlightened" (ie:hokey) doesn't make sense for her. It may be fun for people like us but not for someone else. This is all about figuring out who DD is. It is a hard thing to see between our desires for our kids and what they really need to thrive. I think this is an ongoing parenting dilemma. Same as the "quitting" idea...tell your ego to forget about it..this has nothing to do with it and everything to do about DD.
P.S. get the numbers of her new friends and schedule play dates. Socializing kids in the unconventional manner outside of institutions requires ALOT of imagination, micro-managing & creativity...which, we all know, you & Babba overflow with.:)
Dude. I'm so sorry this is so hard.
You've got to do what you think is right. And I would hate, hate, hate for you to think that if you take her out, you're giving up or quitting. You're changing - and change takes flexibility of mind. She will NOT be missing out if she spends more time at home (and in teh great outdoors) with you. You are enough. If preschool works, that's great, but it's not necessary. If you don't send her, you're not a failure. You'll never be a failure! Your love for that girl is a huge, planet-sized success. And don't let any supid yelling teachers tell you otherwise.
What a frustrating situation to find yourself in! If you decide that quitting is best for your daughter, then I would view it in a positive light instead of negative. I'm not really into every child needing to go to preschool. If she thrives being with you, then at your side is a wonderful place for her to do her learning.
Middle-school gym teachers yell. Pre-school teachers do not yell. This is one (of many) reason that I am not a pre-school teacher. You are not two-time quitters. I can't even figure out what the opposite of that is - but if I could, I would say you were that - the opposite. Quitters quit trying. What you are doing is parenting. And parenting is really, really hard sometimes.
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