Lost In The Parenting Our Brains Out Planet

Starting preschool has been quite a transition for Dew Drop. We've been parenting our brains out. We've been "adoption parenting" our brains out. And we've been drawing upon our resources including adoption parenting books that we read years ago when all of this was just speculation. We've been reading adult adoptee blogs reminding ourselves of what not to do. And we've been utilizing this completely amazing adoption community that we're part of.

There's this thing that happens when you're parenting an adopted child. Maybe a new behavior has come up. Maybe a new level of intensity has shown itself. As a parent to this child, this child who carries unspeakable burdens and memories, you recognize these behaviors. You empathize with them. You see so clearly that "this is adoption stuff going on.". Yet....yet....there's still this tug of war that goes inside of your head. On one shoulder sits some kind of pseudo-logic saying "Wait a minute here! This isn't adoption stuff. This is normal behavior for a child this age." And on the other shoulder, frantically bouncing up and down trying to get your attention is another logic vying to be heard. This logic gathers its philosophy straight from the heart and it's saying "Don't listen to that pseudo-logic. It doesn't understand the ways of the heart. It doesn't give credit to what a deep and feeling person your child is- and has always been. You know this is adoption stuff. Listen to me!"

And your child tells you flat out that it's adoption stuff using her newly acquired vocabulary. There's no denying it then. Or there better not be.


I read a great quote recently (who wrote this? I'd love to contribute the author's name.): Parenting in the 70's was like crate training a puppy. That resonates with me- like most people my age who were brought up in the 1970's the parenting techniques used then are laughable at best. Barbaric at worst. The parenting that's going on now is so thoughtful- and dare I say advanced- that it blows my mind. I have friends who are creating such beautiful families it chokes me up. For real. I can't wait to see how the kids brought up in such a conscientious way turn out.

And adoption parenting has changed. The adoption community that we are part of is so big. The internet has created an intricate web of us. We're all learning- a lot. We're challenging ourselves to do this better. We're all sharing. One of my favorite things about it is that it completely eliminates the need for any background conversation that's always necessary if I'm talking about parenting with a non-adoptive mother. If I'm seeking help for a food issue caused by Dew Drop's early malnourishment I don't have to go into how she came to be malnourished. I don't have to explain what a "food issue" is. Within minutes I can be deluged with other parents who are, or who have, first hand knowledge about how to help heal this particular wound. Put two adoptive mamas who have never met in a room together for five minutes and it's guaranteed that there will be:

• Goosebumps brought on by suddenly realizing that you totally "get" the other person in such a profound way.
• Tears- usually sad and happy tears within minutes of each other.
• That you need to spend at least another hour talking to this person and learning from them.

And you know what else is really cool? Our kids have each other, too. Dew Drop has so many friends who were adopted- they're forging special friendships already. They're growing up together. I can't see these relationships ending anytime soon. I think it will always be part of Dew Drop's life. Before we know it Dew Drop and her posse of fellow adoptees will be staying up all night comparing notes on who has the most neurotic mother.

I know we modern day adoptive parents don't have all of the answers. Most of the adult adoptees who write books and are blogging about their life experiences weren't raised in the internet age. Their parents probably didn't have a wide and vast network that helped them keep on task. The adoptees of days past probably didn't have their own network of peers to call upon- or to nourish them. It had to have been so much more isolating back then- even just 10 years ago. I don't know how adoptive families survived. I can't imagine.